Friday, December 7, 2012

Three months without you...

Three months without you.

Four words I never imagined I would utter so soon.  I never thought you'd be gone at barely 10 years old.

I think I have said it all: how much I love you, how much I miss you, how desperately I wish I could hold you, hug you, smell you, watch you play, sleep, wag your tail...just everything that made you who you were.

It was a Friday, three months ago, when Dr. Karen said the words I didn't want to hear; "I think it's time".  Bless her, she was, I think, just as broken hearted as we were.  I can still remember, and see in my mind, the moment your chest stopped rising and falling.  I can still hear her words, "his heart has stopped, he's at peace now", and I can remember then, and feel now, that moment of panic, thinking we were past the point of no return.  I couldn't change my mind, and in that moment, I felt a pain in my heart, so deep, so searing, I didn't know what to do.

I laid on the floor, holding you, taking in every thing I could, wanting to remember everything you were.  When we left you, I asked for a blanket.  I covered you up, as if you had drifted off to sleep.  You looked so peaceful, and you passed so peacefully.  There was no fight.  As we walked from the room, I turned, looked back at you, one more time, told you, again, how much I loved you, said 'good night', and turned off the light, closing the door behind me.

I have worked so hard to remember the good, and not the bad, but it is a struggle larger than I imagined.  We laugh when we think of you, and how joyful and silly you were, but the tears always come...the loss floods our hearts, my heart and poppa's heart.

I know, in time, the pain will diminish, but I'm quite certain now, there is no 'getting over' losing you.  There is only learning how to find joy in the memories we have of you, and embrace everything you were.

Poppa says, "I'm going to Heaven.  That is the only way to see my boy again, and I will do everything in my power to get there".  He wakes up, and he lives the best life he knows how, ever faithful in the Lord, embracing every blessing, every challenge, focused on seeing you again.

I often talk to you about how much I loved you, but I forget to tell you how much poppa loved you, too.  He hurts for you as much as I do...he always called you 'his guy', and you were.

'Night, baby.  We love you, and we miss you...always.