Friday, April 4, 2014

I don't know how...

I don't know how to write this entry. I don't even know how to start. All I see is pain and loss...and a long life ahead, without you at my side.

All your life, you have been my heart, and when you left, it went with you. I feel so empty, so lost without you.  I know I'm breathing, but I can't catch my breath.

Our journey was a private one - one I never wanted to share, and one I don't think you wanted to share, either.

Before you came into my life, I didn't feel a lot of self worth. I'd never been told that I was good enough, smart enough, or worthy of love. You never uttered those words to me, because you couldn't, but in everything you did, every action, every look, every snuggle, bark, sneeze, lick and shake, you told me that I was worthy, that I mattered. You never let me down. You never left my side, unless you had no other choice.  You lifted me up, and healed my broken heart.

You gave me the greatest gift I've ever received - unconditional love.

I don't even want to tell people you are gone. I don't want to hear all the those familiar words, "I understand," or "I'm so sorry for your loss." I don't want to be told how lucky I was, or how lucky you were. I don't want any of that, because no one, anywhere, can understand what you meant to me, what you gave me and how much I loved you...I don't think it's possible to love anything more than I loved you.

I called you "my beautiful," and you were, in every way that possibly mattered.

I have said you were the greatest love of my life, and it's the truth - that I was so well cared for, by you, that I learned to love myself, to trust myself, and to give life a chance I'd never given it before. I trusted you with my deepest fears, and you pushed them away, always letting me know I was stronger than they were. You were the only living thing I have ever trusted never gave me a reason to think I couldn't. Not in your entire life, not for a single moment.

Goodnight, my beautiful. My heart goes with were my everything.


  1. Leslie, I guess no-one can truly say to you how we feel as you feel such pain of such a huge loss in your life. of such a best friend as your boy was to you. However, and I DO understand, as I lost my same beloved friend Dazzi in 2005...and am still grieving that loss of my sweet Rottie Dazzi Doo. I know those words will not help you, nothing will, it hurts SO bad I Know, like your heart has been ripped out of your very chest, and emptiness that you cannot explain. As we all find as the weeks, and months go by...time truly is a healer or sorts, and the mind will again be renewed..and praise God he makes us this way. I wish I could be there to hug you, and just sit with you..please feel my hugs and prayers for you from across the country..and know, indeed, I DO know. Love you my friend.....Nancy

  2. For you to have always and forever, my friend ~ from one survivor to another ~

    Your beautiful Jet reflected for you all of the Qualities of Worth that have always existed within you ~ but were not fostered to a conscious place in you by those who should have done so when you were young.

    There is a flame of light that God gives each of us and it is infused with what I call "The Qualities of God" ~ Often, and for many of us, our connection to that flame of light is veiled by the human experience ~ but intuitively, in the recesses of our soul, we always know it is still there.

    For many of us it takes a very special being to help us find access to that inner place where the flame of light exists and to reconnect with it in a meaningful and solidifying way. For YOU Jet was that being... He gave you the GIFT of your God-given SELF back!

    Yes, it feels terribly lonely and dark to not have his physical presence in your physical world ~ and your grief, for a period of time, may know no measure ~ but please know, that what he gave you, has ALWAYS belonged to you. That means it can never be taken away ~ AND for time immemorial Jet will walk with you in spirit to remind you of the refection he created for you to gain access to your very own flame of light, that IS your Quality of Worth, which came with you from God as having access to all the qualities that God represents to you ~ Resilience, Value, Joy, Peace, Authenticity, Intelligence, Compassion, Empowerment, Honesty, Integrity, Beauty, Abundance, and many, many others.

    In the meantime, please know that just because I can share these words of encouragement with you, it does not mean that I am not absolutely broken hearted for you and your tremendous loss. Only someone who has lost a being who meant THIS much to them can truly understand the depth of the grief... Sadly, I am one of those (along with many of you loving, caring friends, I am sure.)

    With love; with gentle caring friendship, I am here if, and when you need me ~ now, and for as long as it takes.

  3. Leslie, I am so sorry! What a hard day and there will be many as I am sure you know. It is only comforting to me to know that Annie is up there waiting for me as is Jet for you. Funny I did not know until day. I cried for Annie yesterday as I lost her April 4th, 2001. I have never liked that day since. I truly am saddened; Jet was so special. I'll never forget you saying that if you ever lost him, you would not know what to do. Please know that you and
    cliff are in my prayers! Carol and Mandy

  4. Can't say enough. I know your loss and feel it through my own. This is the thing I hate most about giving my heart away,,,feeling the emptiness when they leave.