Friday, March 7, 2014

Is it really almost over?

"If I dropped a tear in the ocean,
the day they found it,
 would be the day I'd stop loving you."
                                                                 -- Unknown

I haven't written about you much here, baby. I haven't been able to open my heart enough to let anything out. Unlike Ty, who belonged to the world as much as he belonged to me, you are all mine. I have never shared you with the world, and you never wanted me to. It's always been about what's between us.

As I return from a visit with Dr. Leslie, and news that wasn't what I wanted to hear, I find I would not be fulfilling my promises to you, and what you've meant to me, if I didn't take time to write to you, as I wrote to Ty toward the end of his life.

Why has it been so hard to write to you? I don't know, really. I've tried several times. I think the short answer is you are my heart. I've never given my heart out easily, and doing it now is difficult, but without writing to you here, now, I wouldn't be honoring who you are, who you've been, and what my life has been like because of you. I have never dishonored you, and I won't start now, so here goes.

Tears are streaming down my cheeks as I write, knowing it won't be long before you leave me, with wings upon your shoulders, knowing, as I always have, that this time would eventually find us.

The day I first saw you, I knew you were mine. Three puppies were put in my lap. Two blues, and you. The two blues wouldn't settle, and wanted down, but you turned yourself around, scooted up my chest, and set your head down under my chin, with a big sigh. I say I didn't pick you, that you picked me, and you did, though I knew it the moment I saw you, you were the one I wanted. There was something there, in that moment.

You would take me down paths I never knew were even available to me. You took to training and performance like you'd been born to do it. You loved it, and tolerated my clumsy training and guidance in the early days. As I look back, I can see just how driven you were. With me in your way most of the time, you found a way, and lead us along the path to success. For us, it was never really about the wins, it was about the time together. It was about walking to the line together, looking into each other's eyes, and doing what we loved so much.

Sometimes I would catch myself, and think, "gosh, what will I ever do without you," then I would push the thought out of my mind. We had so many years ahead, I would tell myself, and we did. But no matter the number of years ahead, we were slowly marching toward the day I dreaded more than any other.

You were wise when you were just a baby. You seemed to know things, like you'd been here before. Calm and smart, you faced every challenge with a deep knowing, like you'd experienced it before. Even as we get close to the end, you have a calm about you that makes me wonder, "have you done this before?"

We have been, for the last 5310 days, each other's hearts, in every way. Performance, long walks, trips hither and yon, raising puppies together. No matter what we did, always together. Poppa calls you my sentinel, and you are. I know, even when you leave this life, you will continue to be exactly that. I know you will watch over me, as you always have. I hope your days aren't over yet, but my eyes see you losing ground every day, and I know you can't stay here forever.

You have never really loved anyone but me. You have tolerated many, but your love has been mine, entirely, and I've always known it. I never encouraged you to love anyone else, because I wanted you all to myself...I wanted my heart to myself, and you, my sweet boy, are, forever, my heart.

How do I say 'good-bye' to my heart? How do I say farewell to the one thing I have loved more than any other? I don't know, but I imagine you will guide me there, as you always have, with an understanding only you have.

So, here we are, stepping forward, together, inching toward the moment we have to say "good bye", and I'm powerless to stop the momentum. Even as you begin to weaken, I hear you, telling me to be strong, to believe in the power of the love we have, and share, and to trust you, as I always have.

I love you, Jet...I never learned how to fully love until you came into my life. I know it was the lesson you came to share. It was your job. You did it so well, almost too well, and even as you weaken slowly, you are still doing it, with every breath you take.

I don't know if I will write to you again, as our language is so intensely personal, as you know, but even if I don't, look into my heart, my baby boy.  I will speak to you there, as I always have.

You are my everything, Jet...forever and ever, my heart.


  1. He heard every word, Leslie. He knows. He didn't want to share you, either. That is why I stepped aside. So the only voice you heard was his, and not my interpretation of what he was saying. You may know who this is from, and now perhaps you understand why I stepped aside. For you. For him. For a love that knows only each other; one heart for eternity. <3 (You don't have to publish this. I just wanted you to know why I had to say goodbye. Jet's communion is with you and you alone. Such love needs no interpretation. Trust that, always. And I am so very, deeply sorry for what you are going through, but so very admiring of your courage and strength. Ty says, "I will. I am.")

  2. In haring your heart, gently opening the petals of the love that you have always carried there but were, perhaps, afraid to be drawn to, your wise and lovely Jet has helped many. Your friends have come to know you through his compassion, patience, sensitivity, and his enormous big hearted spirit, as it is mirrored in your own heart. Thank you Jet, for the Miracle of Leslie whim I have come to know, through the Miracle of YOU! When it is your turn to go, there may well be a big space on this side of heaven, but it will be forever filled with the LOVE, WISDOM, JOY you brought to one very special soul. Gratitude Abounds!! :)

  3. My heart breaks for you. A love shared such as this is a love that will be in your heart through eternity. He will be there forever and will continue to help you through. Your struggles will continue, but he will hear you and comfort you when you speak to him, and guide you. You will hear him. Listen when your heart speaks...

  4. My heart broke like this once, and now it breaks for you to face this. I wanted you to have this poem....

    Still Here

    I stood by your bed last night, I came to have a peep.
    I could see that you were crying, You found it hard to sleep.

    I whined to you softly as you brushed away a tear,
    "It's me, I haven't left you, I'm well, I'm fine, I'm here."

    I was close to you at breakfast, I watched you pour your coffee,
    You were thinking of the many times, your hands reached down to me.

    I was with you at the shops today, Your arms were getting sore.
    I longed to take your packages, I wish I could do more.

    I was with you at my grave today, You tend it with such care.
    I want to reassure you, that I'm not lying there.

    I walked with you towards the house, as you fumbled for your key.
    I gently put my paw on you, I smiled and said "it's me."

    You looked so very tired, and sank into your chair.
    I tried so hard to let you know, that I was standing there.

    It's possible for me, to be so near to you this way.
    To say to you with certainty, "I never went away."

    You sat there very quietly, then smiled, I think you knew ...
    in the stillness of that evening, I was very close to you.

    The day is over... I smile and watch you yawn.
    I say "goodnight, God bless, I'll see you in the morning."

    And when the time is right for you to cross the bridge’s span,
    I'll rush across to greet you and we'll stand, side by side.

    I have so many things to show you, there is so much for you to see.
    Be patient, live your journey out ... then come home to be with me.